Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.

MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill

Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.

I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

Me: *facepalm*

CDC: Stop that.

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.

PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress

Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.

I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying

WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?

GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what

[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up

Proctologist = Analyst

Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.

Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”

Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

[consoling friend after break up]

me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea

global warming: like hurry tho

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

[date]

HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?

ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?

WIFE: For real

ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.