Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fight

Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were

My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining

My 10yo: but not pouring

Me: and the old man is not snoring

6yo:

10yo:

Me:

6yo: YOU’RE an old man

Me: 😑

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

I triple dog dare you to paint my shutters and stain my front porch for me.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.

Inspiration twitter:

“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”

Also inspiration twitter:

“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”

I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes

Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol

<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.

Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.

PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!

I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”

I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then

2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.

It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨

*sails into the Bermuda Triangle and disappears*

*an hour later*

7yo: Oh, there you are. Can I play video games?

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK

DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?

UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.

I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]

This chick just said Q as in cucumber.

I’ma just focus on me.

Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.

Fred: You and Scooby go investigate. Velma, Daphne, and I will be in the Sex Machine.

Shaggy: The Mystery Machine?

Fred: Um, ya, whatever.

‘I just need like two minutes!’

~me, lying