Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?

4yo: Are you asleeeep?
Me: I was. What’s up?
4yo: There’s a monster in my room.
Me: Trust me. The way you’ve been acting it won’t stick around long.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.

Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse

Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

2022 be like

[overheard at a 7 year old’s birthday party]

GIRL: I wanna marry you

BOY 1: 😲

BOY 2: I wanna marry your toilet

PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????

my first dose meeting my second

Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not

New skill unlocked

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

I talk dirtier in traffic than I do during sex.

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.

Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.

police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.

parents: arson?

police: yes, your son.

gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.