I went to clean my kids bathroom and I’m 99% sure they shoot their toothpaste out of a cannon
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I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
They’re making kids learn Chinese characters in school, so they can pick out a really good lower back tattoo when they get older.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
just ate enough garlic bread to kill a vampire by blowing a kiss
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.