Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?

There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade

If poetry is dead, then explain this:

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”

[interview at J Crew]

interviewer: explain this gap on your resume

me: no

interviewer:

me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A

DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

pls suprot

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

roman: how will we know which one is jesus

judas: imma kiss him

roman: why

judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right

cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor

me: i don’t know where dave is

cop: how did you know it was dave

[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel

Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.

As someone who has fallen for one of the classic blunders, being involved in a land war in Asia, I can tell you that I can be tricked into almost anything

My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy

Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.

Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.

Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.

Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.

Pro tip for Zoom court: ZOOM COURT IS REAL COURT

–Always be fully clothed
–Do not be in or on the toilet
–Do not Zoom in from the shower
–Do not Zoom in from the bed–especially if unclothed
–Don’t wear any hats/caps/bonnets
–Don’t make a full on omelet like that one lady

customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut

me: sorry, we only accept cash

manager: can i talk to you

Planet of the Apps.

The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.