Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What does a cannibal eat for a snack?

Finger food.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

[cats at shelter]

Where’s Frank?

“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.

Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

ME: Let’s go get some chicks

[later]

FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind

ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe

I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.

I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing

Important Valentine’s Day PSA:

Sure, we all think Cupid is cute, but you should never teach babies archery. If you think crying is annoying, just imagine a tantrum with flying arrows.

Be safe. If they’re under three, melee weapons only!

[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”

A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man

Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them

But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities

Husband: “You should try going to bed earlier.”
Me: “You should take the 3yo to work with you.”
Him: “I’d get nothing done.”
Me: “EXACTLY.”

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.

[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you

ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.

I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”

ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

🤣

How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”

oh ffs josh did you not read the email

I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.