I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
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[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
A really good magician could be living in your house and you would never know.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?