I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
This joke is 7 years old
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
Morning my dudes.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
This guy I really hate has started his own software company. I’m a programmer. After a few months of work, I’m about to finish building a completely free version of his app; and share it everywhere.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep