I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
Once a year there is a public event at my old job that I dress in cosplay for and walk around incognito taking pictures of everything that looks terrible to send to my old coworkers.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!