I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
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Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
its a good thing we swallow 8 spiders a year bc if it werent for those spiders, we’d be swalowing hundreds of flies and smaller insects
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
can’t talk my ride’s here
