I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
In my 20’s: jingle all the way!
In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty
Don’t worry, you’ll find the lost scissors when you’ll be searching for your glasses
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
I thought I might be pregnant.
It turns out I’m just three months fat.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
My love language is hissing.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Got fired by Twitter. I was responsible for summoning demons to fulfill the prophecy. They said I wasn’t summoning fast enough
All my small talk is done with a car horn.