I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
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My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Awesome parenting 😂
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
My neopet probably thinks I’m dead
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
I need everyone to stop having the flu and bringing the flu to the ER and then infecting the non flu patients with the flu so they come back to the ER for the flu, etc etc
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.