Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet

I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end

safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee

Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.

Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.

Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.

Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?

Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?

Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.

Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?

Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.

Because Canadian.

[street fight]

Come at me bro!!

*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles

*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away

I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler

how many bears make up a bear minimum

How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits

I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .

Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.

me: you wanna hot line bling?

date: what?

me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?

date: excuse me

me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

take me to the middle of the desert and just leave me there

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart

Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*

Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.

I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”

Him: I like powerful women.

Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one

[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding

Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework

Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?

Me:

Prof:

Me: it took him a couple bytes