Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.

[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Me: Can I get that to go?

Priest: That’s not how communion works

Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool

That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol

winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO

Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.

I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.

I can’t wait.

wish me luck lads

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

6yo: Mommy, I hope you don’t have the doctor cut your belly open to get the baby out.

4yo: Yeah, hopefully they just do the way where they squeeze it out.

Me: I’m not sure either of you really understands how labor and delivery works.

Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Stress balls work better if you have good aim.

It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.

Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.

An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.

i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head

Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.

My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.

If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.

*First day as a missing person*

Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.

Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.

New Guy: No problem. And do we-?

Me: Thats it! You’re fired!

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

inefficient if literal:

a dust bowl

A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend

Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.

Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*