Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me

All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.

When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics

When I die I want my hearse to play ice cream truck music

God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..

Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze

God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row

Boss: You’ll never find another job like this
Me: That would be great

*phone rings*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.

*voicemail notification*

Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.

My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that

Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.

Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?

Guests: [sitting down for Thanksgiving dinner]

Me: Oh. You’re staying?

I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.

[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]

Me: lol buddy…

50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”

Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.

You come to me on the day of my daughter’s wedding and bring me a sumptuous feast for 300

The caterer: I’m the caterer

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”

Found out the hard way the bottle of wine in my parents’ fridge was load-bearing

I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.

A quick visual guide to footballing pain.

Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.

can’t wait til they legalize outside

Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.

My dad: Please let me speak to him.

Kidnapper: He’s here.

My dad: You left the fan on, again.

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

Brussels sprouts were invented by big cabbage to sell little cabbages.

We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”

Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.

I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.

If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.