I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
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I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
The Compass
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.