@AristotlesNZ

I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.

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@tehaveragejoel

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

@salamingia

Hi, is your resort child friendly?

Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?

*hangs up

@sir_shithead_I

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

@rachelle_mandik

[millipede preschool]

head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…

@Trisarahjtops

Me as a detective:

[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]

[evidence catches on fire]

no no no no

@murrman5

Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo

@AngryRaccoon2

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

@locustbones

kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl