Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.
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Hi, is your resort child friendly?
Yes it is sir. Would you like to make a reservation?
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*Licks the fire in your soul
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
“He’s back what do I do?”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
Me: Has anyone seen my superglue?
Mountain Goats, giggling: Nope
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl