‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
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Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
*offers Batman cough drops*
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.