Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
I went to M.C. Hammer’s house once. It was annoying. He won’t let you touch anything.
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Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Why did he do that?
Who is she?
What does that mean?
When did that happen?
I need to go to the toilet.
– Child, at the cinema
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall.
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
[Montage of Humpty picking apples, carving some pumpkins, jumping into piles of raked leaves]
There are two sides to every story. My side and the right side.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac