Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Limbo contest]

Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?

Me: I once stole a guide dog

A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name

Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you

Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

A group of toddlers is called a migraine

People like Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. How about more movie character restaurants? I have some suggestions:

Samwise’s Lord of the Wings

Tyler Durden’s Chowder House

Goose’s Gastropub (tagline: We feel the need… the need to feed!)

Short Round’s Tempura of Doom

Hannibal’s

at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.

The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time

i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.

The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.

Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.

you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.

If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?

If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.

When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.

Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.

I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”

*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”

you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity

[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*