Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!

me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no

DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now

AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain

We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.

DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now

ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.

acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life

unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life

We got caught Brian, just act normal..

Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.

Here’s your m

And an m for you

Me- owns 2 pairs of pants

My 8 month old, who has no where to go-

My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..

What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?

“I want to grow mold with you.”

*feels the wind in my toe hair

waiting for halloween be like:

my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera

me: time for some laundry 🙂

laundry machine: ok 🙂

me: ok time to dry 🙂

dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets

I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.

No, you’re not getting it your honor

*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say

Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to

A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.