i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Stop sending me this shit.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
An odd boast
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
This is so me 😂😂
