Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.

“I tell you, this car runs like a dream!” I change gears and the gearstick turns into a swan. I turn on the wipers & it rains on the inside.

If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.

My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.

“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”

[bald eagles exchanging gifts]
*holds out gift*
You didn’t get me a toupee again, did you?
-Uhh…
*slowly pulls gift back*

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet

i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?

Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

HER: I’m breaking up with you..

ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”

I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.

*releases swarm of killer wasps*

– ATTACK!

*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*

– Hmm… time for plan bee

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

My horoscope today just said “NOPE”

5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.

My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.

Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.

[alien taking notes]

Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.

*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”