i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
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Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.