I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
You Might Also Like
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[opening presents on the 5th day of christmas]
“I’m gonna be real with you Karen if there’s more birds in this box I’m leaving you”
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Sorry boss…
You can either expect me to work well with others or pass a drug test.
It can’t be both.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Kids: Stay in school.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many