Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.

Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger. 

Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.

Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.

ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man

ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*

I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.

I was like “what are you trying to say?”

Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.

Turns out he’s a great gift giver.

*stands on scale at doctor’s office*

*takes off coat*

*empties pockets*

*shaves eyebrows*

*getting murdered*

Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*

Me: She has a baby in her tummy.

2: *whispering* She ate it.

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.

Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me

I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining

I’m already scared

If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.