I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
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The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
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Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss