I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.
But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
You know you’re getting older when you keep asking “Why do they have to make the instructions so small?”
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.