Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*2 Knights on a Quest*

Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?

Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.

Elgon: Ha! They always say that!

Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?

Elgon:

Gawain: Elgon?

Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times

I got ill after borrowing a colleague’s leather bag. The test results showed I’d picked up a satchelly transmitted disease.

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.

Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent

Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

me: mind if I have a look around

guy in port-a-potty: yes

Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro

[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician

The U.K. ditching their old leadership on July 4th is an appropriation of American culture

Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!

Alexa: Hold my beer!!!

Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?

Me: holy shit how bad is it?!

1st Born: If you hold him support his head.

2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.

3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.

*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party

Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.

*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.

Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus