Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by

Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?

Me: Great question Dave.

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.

A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away

Survival Tip:

If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.

Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.

I call this the Heineken maneuver.

[Picking up a prescription]

Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical

[the clock strikes half past two]

dentist: my time has come

I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”

luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker

I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.

Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation

If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.

Follow me for more health advice

Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-

Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]

Shania Twain: oh shit wow

Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch

If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?

[ creating bats ]

god: well we already made birds

angel:

god:

angel: what if they were goth

god: omg what IF they were goth tho

Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.

My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.

Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.

Co-worker: I’m in the doghouse with my wife.

Me: What did you do? Stay out too late with the boys?

CW: No, I sent $60,000 in Apple gift cards to someone in Nigeria who said we owed it for the electric bill.

Me: …Oh

New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.

I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:

– candy 🍬🍭🍫

– parties🍕🎉🍻

– costumes👯👺👽

– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹

– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲

Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.

Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering

If you know, you know 😂🚔

I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦