Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?

every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.

I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

[doing crossword]

Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*

friend: this has been the worst day of my life

me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It’s true.

After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

Cop: know why I pulled you over?

“Hopefully to arrest me.”

Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.

My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.

“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”

friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

My love language is deader than Latin

Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!

[face down in a bowl of hot soup]

WAITER: is everything ok?

ME: could I get a spoon or something

Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife

How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.

Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.

Me: I need an extension.