I went to school with a girl named
Nonstick CookingSprayWe tried calling her Pam …
but it didn’t stick.
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I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Bob ross: we don’t make mistakes, just happy little accidents
me: please Bob. I’m sorry
Bob: *attaching silencer to his handgun* but you screwed up
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
“How stressed are you?”
Me:
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
let the world know you’re kind of a big dill
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
This forever.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan