I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
You Might Also Like
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
6:57pm: I am conducting an experiment — I’m going to pet my dog continuously and see if he ever gets tired of it
4:09am, June 14, 2029: no
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?