Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.

Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.

There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.

Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.

When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.

Him: So tell me something about yourself.

Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.

Him: What?

Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.

Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos

People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.

Groom: I do.

Priest: And..

Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.

My boyfriend & I each had a cat when we moved in together. Normally, mine sits with me and his sits with him. But tonight we are sitting in each others chairs, so now we are sitting with each others cats.

Turns out, our cats are attached to the spots they sit, not us at all 😂

I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too

I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

so

the limit is 412 chicken nuggets

Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap

I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.

I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!