I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
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Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
Free him
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
[1st Row at Beyoncé Concert]
Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars