I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
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Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Me: beware the clyde of march
Clyde: I’m standing right here
Me, hand to side of mouth: (that’s him)
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
If there’s ever an alien invasion I hope it doesn’t start while I’m asleep. I hate being woken up before my alarm.
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
Once a teacher said nobody was buying my cool guy act but he dropped his clipboard and there was a drawing of me in sunglasses on it.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
I am having an out of money experience.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.