Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.

ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember

My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.

Me: I’d like a pumpkin ale.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE BEER

Added some new forms of payment to this store…

computer: choose a password

me: TheScarletLetter

computer: password cannot contain symbols

I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”

Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.

My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down

Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!

i love modern commerce

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

4- I make a lot of noises when I poop

Me- that’s okay buddy we all do

4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night

“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”

– Credit card chip inventor

– Me, writing tweets

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

4yo was mad that I sang the “wrong” lyrics to his version of Baby Shark. Then:

4yo: Mommy, I’m sorry I was rude to you.

Me (🥺): Oh, baby, thank you for apologizing. I forgive you.

4yo: Now YOU say YOU are sorry.

Me: …why?

4yo: 😠 Of being RUDE and singing the WRONG WORDS.

imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name

Remember kids, no matter who wins tomorrow, you’re still going to pay too much for avocados.

coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater

me *in my regular sweater*: thanks

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?

Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.

Rose: Nice.

Grill: You could have looked around a bit.

What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?

My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.