Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[January 1, 0000]

Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?

Mary: so weird

I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society

But my Dad did

My daughter caught me throwing out some artwork of hers, so if you could donate to our GoFundMe, we can get her the “nicer mom” that she’s now requested.

Thoughts and prayers are also appreciated during this artistically tragic time.

That lamp looks PISSED.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car

wtf is a larm clock?

Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight

my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise

Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.

☺️

Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.

Stephen King ruined corn children for me

Googles *getting back in shape*

Google: back?

do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?

Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?

i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.

i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.

Someone 20yrs younger than me was flirting with me & asked for my phone number. I thanked him & said that’s a bit too Demi and Ashton for me, but it was very sweet of him.

Reader, he was too young to know who I was talking about.

If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.

Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old

If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬

REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?

OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My doctor said my cervix is perfect.

I’m still blushing.

*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive

My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.

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