I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
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men only want 1 thing. women only want 7 things. babies only want 53 things. dogs only want 633 things. flamingos refuse to divulge how many things they want
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
A game married people play.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
you ever try to cook with friends who swear up and down they don’t know how to cook from scratch? you kind of laugh it off at first (just follow the recipe how hard could it be) and then you realize they don’t know how to chop a tomato
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
genie: you have three wishes
me: nightvision goggles
genie: dope
me: the only pair on the planet
genie: many people will be affected
me: now kill the sun
genie: dude
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left