I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[Flirting]
I can turn anything into a PDF, baby.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Never let them know your next move 😂
SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.
god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
Sure. Why not?
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.