I went to the candle store today.
They were having a blowout sale.
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My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
Never have I been at my parents’ house & needed something & they not have it. Insect bite cream? Got it. Obscure herb for a dinner recipe? Got it. Mixer for a drink I haven’t had in 20 years? Got it. Defibrillator? Got it. Crystal Pepsi? Got it. Wooly mammoth skeleton? Got it.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.