I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Just as the prophecy foretold
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
me: *clicks Add to dictionary*
microsoft word: yeah definitely doing that 👍
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Miscakes
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]