I went to the car park. There were no slides or swings. My car just sat there. Sad.
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I saw nothing
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
For the first half of my life, I thought you could only poop at home. Now I know you can poop anywhere
– my 5yo, unprompted
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
employee: i can’t come into work
boss: why not?
employee: because i need to hibernate
boss: {hangs up the phone & looks over at the secretary} i don’t know why we keep hiring bears
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Them: You should try keto
Me:
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
god: *creates human* whatcha think?
angel: nice, will it hurt itself in the dark?
god: *adds shins* now it will
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.