I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
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*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game