I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
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*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I may be a middle aged suburban male but I still enjoy going out*, picking up hot chicks** & bringing them home.
*to Costco
** rotisserie chickens
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Bear knowledge
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”