I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!
You Might Also Like
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
her: so, what should i do now?
doctor: inform your partner
her: i don’t know if i can face him
doctor: you can write him a note
her: that’s a great idea!
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
I’m not calling anyone daddy unless I’m asking for money for the mall.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
HERE’S MARKY
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
it should be illegal to take a nap and still have a headache when you wake up. like no i shut it off and back on again why are you still here
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist