I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
Hilarious if literal: arms race
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Bartenders are just boneless bars
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.