I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
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If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.
Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
*pronounces patio like ratio
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself