I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
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No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
When I buy a multipack of lip balms, I put one in my purse and scatter the rest randomly around the house to save time from the inevitability of losing them.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Is it stupid and irresponsible? Yes. Will it make me happy? Also yes.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”