Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people

My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.

me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?

him: no

me: they were a-salt-ed

him:

me: a-SALT-

him: leave

Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.

ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about

Me *texting* I found a genie!

Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid

Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what

Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.

Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.

[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?

He was going through a midlife ISIS!!

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.

[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]

Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.

Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”

Yup, NOT going in there.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy

[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy

“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?

Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”