I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
You Might Also Like
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
mechanics be like
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
This girl on FB said “Lunch with daddy” and it was an actual pic of her kids with their dad and I was expecting her with some old dude. Twitter broke me!
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion rings…
Onion texts: Please answer baby. Let me make this right.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Airport cop: The dog is indicating that you might have something. Do you have any illicit substances on your person?
Me, waving over another cop: Excuse me Sir, this guy thinks his dog talks and he’s asking me for drugs
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram