I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Any refunds available?…
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism
wife: shut up and take the trash out
If you are really good at comedy you can make $250 writing for a multimillionaire.
Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.