Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

12: What’s in cocktail sauce?

Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.

12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.

Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.

Thick flies save lives.

I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

The only equipped I am is ill.

Just found out a spider’s been living in my shower. Just hanging out. Quietly. Watching me. So, long story short, I HAVE A NEW BOYFRIEND!

What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood

my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams

WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

Me:

Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy

People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.

HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY

ME: kinda safe bet there

HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS

ME: again, still no surprises.

I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”

Me: “Free.”

Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”

Me: “Thanks!”

*drives away quickly*

wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous

The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.

Day. Made.

Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces

Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name

~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare