I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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Before they perfected the Q-tip, you have to wonder what kinds of horrific things went wrong with tips A-P
“What’s wrong with you?”
Me: the same things that are always wrong with me…were you expecting something new?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
[ Pirate ship stricken with scurvy ]
Pirate: yarrrr when is life gonna be givin me those f****n’ lemons.
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
If you turn it upside down, a pyramid scheme works out nicely for everyone except the one guy at the bottom.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
The man who invented AutoCorrect walks into a barn.
He orders a bear.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I accidentally rubbed some ketchup in my eye. Now I have Heinz sight.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.