I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
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I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Her: Umm…Where are you going?
Me: Walking the dog.
Her: When you get back, we need to talk.
* walks dog…returns 3 days later
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!