Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Doctors appointment]

Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

I don’t hate you I just wish your next period is in a shark tank

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish

steve: hi

dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me

Me: Want to go to your classmate’s birthday party?

7yo: Yes, I love him! He’s my favorite! We’re best friends!

Me: What does he like so we can get him a present?

7yo: I don’t know.

If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.

Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.

My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.

Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license

A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.

Uterus: cry

Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-

Uterus: CRY.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

Me: You said everything in here was edible

Willy Wonka: Yes, but-

Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?

Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line

[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too

john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?

The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.

A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.