I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
It’s either five or nothing bro
– if wet wipes could talk
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
I really don’t get enough praise for someone who doesn’t need validation from others.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.