Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: what do you do?

me: i’m a filmmaker.

date: oh what’s that like?

me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.

got so much cardio in today

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.

Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.

It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.

Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough

I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.

What do you remember most from your first sex ed class? I remember Mrs. DeBlasio, the school secretary, telling us to never believe a guy who said he couldn’t wear condoms because they were too small and then she stretched one over her head like a ski mask as proof.

Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?

Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.

When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.

Here’s the picture I used for the ad.

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel

When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.

Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.

Have kids so you can fully appreciate how well your dogs listen.

Dogs don’t think ‘no’ is a suggestion.

Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.

I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.

me: how much for the wireless mouse?

pet store employee: that’s a hamster

He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.

I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds