I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
Name another movie that mislead you?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky