I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”