Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.

I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.

He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.

Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.

Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:

Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’

Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’

I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.

Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!

*silence*

Todd the snail: This is bullshit

*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*

Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.

Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?

My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?

Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?

Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winks

Him:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid

Him: Productive conference call?

Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.

Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from police

On the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride

If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?

MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?

MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?

MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?

ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.

*wife comes out in a robe*
I’m hiding your present
Yes it’s wrapped
Nooo, it’s not in the fridge
[5 minutes later]
IT’S NOT IN THE FRIDGE!

me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant

friend: hi dave

dave: brilliant

*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.