I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
😂 amazing answer
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
My local zoo has installed signs throughout the grounds with my photo that say, “Do Not Feed The Animals Or This Guy.”