Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: knock it off!

CAT: lol ok

*Opens Google*

What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.

God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*

WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.

ME: *barely audible* embargo pants

HER: Get out

And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am

[first day as a cashier]

customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper

me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying

Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.

My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:

6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.

Me: Why not?

6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.

My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.

Me: *has cold*

Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.

I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.

Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.

my mum slapped my neighbors wife and now I gotta fight her son man wtf i’m just tryna sleep

wife: is that ellen?

daughter: no, it’s dory

me: ellen is the actress that plays dory

daughter: is she a fish?

me: no, she’s a human

daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

Christmas Warning:

Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.