I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
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can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Here’s a video of a guy putting a camera on a sushi conveyer belt. It’s wonderful. Every table has a little story!
mumsnet is amazing
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
oh so when jesus does its fine but when i yell “one of you is going to betray me! everyone just eat me!” im ruining ruths chris for everyone
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*