I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
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Never forget.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
when you are just born a rebel
Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I’m going to quit the strongman competition I’m in. I put in my too weak notice
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985