Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview with the NSA

Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!

I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars

Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.

Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.

Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.

Good morning

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.

I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.

Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.

Waiter: Can I see your ID?

Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.

Waiter: What would you like to drink?

me: I’d like to withdraw 100K

banker: from which account

me: like whoever has the most

10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow

Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!

10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]

An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.

ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid

*purges outlook inbox

weigh me now

You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.

FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN

[frogs start falling from sky]

I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.

Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.

I love when other parents ask me how old my kid is and then say “that’s a good age” like at some point am I gonna say a number and they’re gonna say “oh damn that sucks?”

Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.

If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.

Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.

*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*