I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
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We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Let me know when Duolingo makes a course in toddler
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
We’re often told that if we’re unsure whether to report a crime, we should always err on the side of doing so. Yet when I report that my local pub now puts sultanas in its coleslaw, I’m told this “does not constitute a high priority” for the police. I mean mixed messages or what?
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
*Wildebeest film crew clatters into David Attenborough’s bedroom*
ATTENBOROUGH: What the-
WILDEBEEST DIRECTOR: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT DAVID
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn