I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
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My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
You would think my neighbors would appreciate me petting their dogs every day.
But nooooo, they’re too worried about how I keep getting into their house.
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
consequences, the bane of my existence
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
😂😂😂😂😂😂
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it