Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’

Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone

Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on

A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.

Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?

I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.

Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tv

Husband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES

cellmate: what are you in here for

me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m extremely flexible

professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?

me: no problem

Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.

Me: I’d rather just confess.

Detective: To what?

Me: Whatever

Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.

I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.

My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.

After 35, your body ages in dog years

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.

4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”

Mongoose is French for “my goose.”