Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

If you love someone, let them tweet.

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

My 9: what language does toast speak?

French toast.

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o

I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.

Especially from you-know-who.

If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.

*sits bolt upright in bed* the pikachu is stored in the pokeballs

Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

If you’re happy and you know it…

Watch the news.

I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.

Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.

Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.

If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.

At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it

It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”

THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.

Worst bar ever.

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.

My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.

When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?

To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …

Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet