I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
You Might Also Like
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
I’ve been drinking.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
then my mum calls to ask why I’m not attending a family dinner; she says where is the glue
me: glue?
her: the glue you have been sniffing
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?