Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.

had to share :’)

Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.

Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?

“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

Therapist: Talk about your friends.

Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…

T: That’s a Billy Joel song.

Me: You’re no fun.

cop: can you step out of the car, sir?

me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D

cop:

me:

cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?

me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question

Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.

I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…

Me: I’m nervous about this interview

Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions

Me: That’s a good idea

Interviewer: It is a good idea

it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

Just overheard at the library:

“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”

Hey Dog Walkers, technically, that dog can walk on its own. What it can’t do is pick up it’s own poop. You’re just a poop collector.

MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.

friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?

me: sure

friend: does 8 sound good?

me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4

I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

[edison inventing lightbulb]

[match appears over his head]

I have an idea

If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs

Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.