I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
See..?
.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”