I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
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Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Dogs lick you because they love you.
Cats lick you to see if you’re delicious yet.
[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.
Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
waiting for my wife to approve my new year’s resolution of making independent decisions
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!