Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.

Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣

Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.

If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!

8, peering closely at me: what’s that?

Me: my necklace

8: How do you know?

Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes!!

The other side: *has jaundice wins the war*

I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.

fourth time’s the charm

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.

I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.

*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*

*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*

Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautiful

Neighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?

Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you

“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”

Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?

My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.

Me: But she’s the right kid?

Wife: Yes. But…

Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.

What genius called it road rage and not locomotive?

Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….

I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.

It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”

Now I wait.

“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou

Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.

i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.

My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

bigfoot

the abominable snowman

chupacabras

the loch ness monster

a unicorn

mermaids

restful sleep

dragons

a super walmart

werewolves

happiness

cyclops

a 2,000 calorie diet

santa claus

Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.