Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december

me: stop living in the past

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.

Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness

Me: lying on my resume probably

*decides to workout*

*lays on ground to do sit-up*

*find skittle on ground*

*eats it*

*takes nap*

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.

So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10

doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go

[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”

I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.

“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”

“Gun”

I don’t draw my eyebrows on because I can’t commit to one facial expression. What if I see a puppy? What if my house burns down?

pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:

con: loneliness

pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*

Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup

doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health

me: phew, I’m so relieved

doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…

First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*

Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*

My kid: Teacher do you poop?

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

[Antichrist emerging from the ground]

*looks around*

Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.

If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.

Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!

I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.