I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
Sir!!
At the aquarium yesterday, my kid asked, “The sharks aren’t allowed to eat the other fish, right?” So if anyone asks, aquarium sharks are vegetarian
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Your dog is hyper if he skips his afternoon walk.? Oh please. You should see my raccoon after a can of Mountain Dew.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
“stand up for yourself” girl i have low iron
i know that the frontal lobe is not developed before age 25 because i got married when i was 24 and decided to get my first ever spray tan spontaneously on the day of my wedding.
I always have a suicide note in my shower so that i wont look stupid if i ever slip and crack my head
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[during sex]
her: call me names
me: george
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
