I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know that I can run 83 mph?
I saw this ending much differently.
Bartender – Would you like to try our pumpkin beer?
Me – Can I have a different bartender please?
*swipes right by accident*
Him: You’re not really my type.
Me: Ignores all red flags from now on.
This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
