Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Want some trail mix?

Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.

Me: It’s homemade.

Husband: why do most guys have a foot fetish?
Me: because their first girlfriend was a sock

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?

Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.

Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.

Me: Exactly.

I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.

Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.

ME: my dog ate my homework

TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good

Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?

I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

[The Last Supper]

Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.

Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks

hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

my 10 year old son is about to start trombone lessons this year at school.

his band teacher’s intro email has me howling!