Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese

My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split

Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved

I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.

Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up

Me: I said I was sorry

Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*

How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?

Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.

Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name

doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips

me: [struggling] nope

doctor: try without the stilts

Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.

okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism

I thought I put my 9 year old to bed hours ago and he just casually walked out of the playroom and said, “Think I’ll go to bed now, I’m beat.”

It’s 11:15 pm.

I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.

People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?

While everyone is out watching the eclipse, I’m going to launch my career as a burglar.

Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.

I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.

No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch

People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles

Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance

My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.

If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?

*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer

*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

The night is dark and full of terrors.

My day is long and full of meetings.

Same thing.