Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wish I loved anything as much as the previous owners of our house loved using a label maker

Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world

Smokey the bear: o hell no

Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner

ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet

me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here

Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.

“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.

My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday

Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?

Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.

DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me

My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”

We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem

[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]

Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.

who called it girl dinner and not the female graze.

My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”

So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?

Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.

I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.

“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you